The Cost of Uncertainty

I've come across numerous posts where people say, "I don't know what I want to do with my life". I was in high school at the time, and being the know-it-all that I used to be, I couldn't quite understand why. I felt like I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to graduate, go to university, get a good job, and probably get married. Live a wonderful life, somewhere nice, and making just enough money to live more than comfortably.

That was over four years ago.

Fast forward to now. I just finished studying Business and Finance in university. Graduated cum laude and was involved in several student activities. I even got an award and scholarship. But by God, time can really turn everything around. I now know nothing. I wanted to work at big firms, possibly consulting or even the Big Four. Do I still want to? Not sure. I expected an immediate employment after graduating, but guess what? The job market is a fucking mess. I barely find an internship with decent pay. Hell, I don't even get internship. I've applied here and there, but only a few came back with rejection. The rest just decided that there is no use in giving a follow-up. Not even a "hey, sorry, but someone better than you applied for this job so we're not going to go further with your application!".

So... what's next? What to do? Am I even doing things right? Am I going in the right direction? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not worthy enough? Better yet... Am I asking the right questions?

Those are some of the things that crossed my mind. I don't even remember the other stuff when I was basically questioning myself. I mean, all I could think about was "am I really that unworthy to make almost every application a rejection"?

But here's the thing: I am looking at things the wrong way. Yes, I am moving forward. I'm trying to finally be able to stand on my own feet, make my own money. That is basically how the world works, right? The problem is, I am looking through a window of disappointment. I am looking at a field of anxiety and a deep well of uncertainty. I pay more attention to the pressure of getting what I want, which is probably not what I need. I punish myself for not making it. I question my own ability.

But the thing is, there are far more important things! The "thing" that is necessary for everyone in this phase. The transitory phase, some might say. This is the thing that I should've paid more attention to. This is the thing that anyone should pay more attention to. The beautiful thing. It is the window that overlooks a field of freedom, choice, and discovery. It is a stained glass where you can see the light comes in, the one that brings millions of possibilities. It is a pond with water that glistens when the sun shines, reflecting all of your capabilities.

It is the other perspective. It's called just living at the moment.

Not very eye-opening, huh? Like, yes of course everyone knows that, duh! Yeah well... I didn't know. Perhaps some others don't either. The point is, yes, life didn't turn out as I planned. Contrary to what I initially expected, I still don't have a permanent job. I work freelancing gigs and haven't even got my first interview email. My friends already have several internships and I know one who is now an associate at one of the Big Four. So what? Instead of looking at it like I'm falling behind and seeing myself as a failure, I want to celebrate it. I want to appreciate the freedom that comes with the burden of nothing. I want to find out what I want.

Over the past two months, I have been doing the things I love. I watch films (which I always do anyway, no matter what phase I am in at life) and discover new artists. I started reading books again, re-discovering my love for expression through words. I started writing again which I am doing now. I've watched several YouTube videos, and in one I found out that this boredom is necessary. I have spent most of my time playing with the cats that come to my house. All of the things I overlooked, those are the things that I actually love.

I've been so busy trying to get my life right, believing that there is only one way in life. But the truth is: There is not even a right way of living. We all do it in our own way. We sort of just see how life goes. Maybe someone's life is supposed to be lived through a corporate 9-5 job. For others, maybe it's the life of traveling and never staying at one place. Maybe mine is something completely different. Nobody really knows.

So, yes, right now I am trying just to live. Just to keep going. If I see an opportunity, I try to grab it. Can't catch it? Don't worry, there's always another one. And I believe this applies for you too. If you're at some point in your life where nothing makes sense, where you haven't achieved your dream yet, don't put too much pressure on yourself. If you do, perhaps your giving up will come faster than your dream will ever get to you.

“Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it— that is your punishment. But if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing— an actor, a writer. I am a person who does things— I write, I act, and I never know what I am going to do next.

I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.”

—Stephen Fry

Always have faith xx